So surreal...

I'd just read my own blog that got published on a mental health website. I thought I'd be feeling so proud about it that I'd burst at the seams. Not at all. It didn't even feel cathartic, the fact that my thoughts had become an open secret. I can't even describe how I felt about it. I've read countless of other blogs about mental health and depression on various sites, that reading my own published blog it didn't even feel like mine at all. I just hope that it makes some kind of difference in someone else's life, that it would encourage them not to be ashamed of themselves. That mental illness is not a self-inflicted disease. That they're not alone and they can get help and support. Reaching out is probably the biggest and most important step a sufferer of mental illness will make. It's a leap of faith. Don't feel discouraged. Believe in yourself, and believe that there are people out there who can and will help you. With all my love xxx

It's all about you..

Here we go again. I wrote in a previous blog about how women always sacrifice themselves for others, a great yet potentially self-destructive trait. A recent conversation has again brought the subject matter to light. Why do we do it? Why do we always give  yet never ask for anything in return? Why do we destroy ourselves? And why do we feel guilty when we want something for ourselves?

We had another small row the other day. After days of traipsing around shopping malls with hubby trying to get school uniform together at the very last minute, I changed into some loungewear and crashed onto the sofa for a quick rest. Hubby walked in and said, "Don't tell me you're tired! How can you be tired? You don't even do much nowadays. I help you with your chores and you still feel tired all the time."At which point we started exchanging a few words before I stormed off into the kitchen. 

First of all, let me lay all the blame for the last-minute shopping trips on hubby. If I had done things my way, the uniform would have been sorted out before we left for our long summer break. But no, hubby as always ordained that things can get done later ie. on our return.

Secondly, I know it's hard for other people to understand this, but tiredness seems permanent with someone like me who suffers from depression. It's actually a miracle that I no longer hide in the bedroom whimpering all the time wondering what the hell was wrong with me. It could partly be the medication, but who the hell knows anyway?

It's always go, go, go for us. We could be sitting down for 2 seconds before we suddenly remembered there was something else that needed to be done. I do envy the times when hubby would call out and tell me to entertain the kids because he'd had enough and wanted to watch tv. Would I be able to do the same? Of course not.

And yet I'm still here. Am I a sucker for punishment? I really don't know. We need to be more assertive and be able to say enough is enough when enough is enough. We must not let ourselves be taken advantage of all the time to the point that we have nothing left of ourselves. And we must learn not to feel guilty when we're unable to please everyone all of the time, because it's just impossible to do. Other than that I'm quite comfortable with letting the rest of the stuff go over my head. Because I'm a lot more patient than hubby.

Should I stay or should I go?

Gosh! Another month has just whizzed by! Is it just me or is time really not waiting for any man? (or woman??) A few things have happened in the past month that could probably last me a while. I won't say a lifetime as it would sound a bit too dramatic *smile

Last week I was involved in a minor car accident. I call it minor as I didn't suffer any physical injury from the accident and the car wasn't a total wreck. But it was the cause of the accident that worried me and my GP. I actually blacked out for a split second just as I came out of an intersection and hit a parked lorry. Luckily the steering had turned slightly and only the left front wheel of the car was bent inwards.

My husband's reaction was completely predictable and expected, though I'd hoped that he would be more sympathetic and showed some degree of concern. Instead, I received a groan and moan about the cost of repairs in the current economical climate we were in. He asked me several times about the extent of the damage to the car, but not once did he ask me if I were hurt or feeling alright. I was in fact in a state of shock, but I think the bitter disappointment and hurt I felt overwhelmed me. I couldn't believe how insensitive and selfish he was, and it wasn't the first time.

It led me to think about our relationship during the days that followed. I wondered if I should stay and endure, or pack and leave. I knew he would never change and I couldn't ever change him. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to walk out on our marriage. Do I really want to waste 22 years of my life?

We hardly spoke for over a week. I had no clue what was happening to the family car, except that it had gone for repairs and we had a rented car in place. He didn't inform me and I couldn't be bothered to ask. I spent the days just cleaning and tidying the house, by that I mean really cleaning and tidying. I moved furniture around in the living room and dusted every nook and cranny, and even wiped the walls down with antiseptic. It's one of my little ways of distracting myself whenever I was feeling down.

Yesterday I had reached the music corner of the living room, where the hi-fi system and stacks of CDs sat. I pulled open one CD drawer and saw something that I hadn't listened to for a very long time so I put it into the CD player. When the music started, a moment flashed before my eyes. I saw the two of us slow-dancing like we used to, and my heart swelled when I remembered the love and passion we shared. I smiled, and I suddenly realised that I'd never leave him. Not that I was chained to him. Yes, he had a hold on me but not in a negative sense. It's completely inexplicable but we were drawn to each other in such a way we both knew it had never happened to either of us, and it'll probably never happen again with anyone else. 

I know he'll never change, but I remembered that I'd fallen in love with him despite his flaws. After all we're all only human, and nobody's perfect. We both accepted each other's imperfections and we stood by each other through thick and thin for the longest time in our lives. And he had been there when I went through endless medical treatments and surgeries, never wanting me to worry about anything else at that time. How could I have forgotten that? Circumstances are such that we're going through financial hardship now, but who isn't? And it's putting such a strain on him emotionally that it would be selfish of me to leave him when he needed me most.

So it's settled then. I'm sticking around. Maybe just for a few more years. Or maybe till death do us part..?

Hello, world..

Wow! Where has the time gone? It's been a month since my last post. How is everyone? Hope all is well. As for me, life has been pretty hectic. Husband is busy with work, long hours seven days a week. So I'm left to do everything on my own. Exhausting. I salute working single mothers, I really don't know how they cope physically and mentally. If I were a single mother working fulltime and suffering from mental illness, I would surely have said goodbye to it all. It really takes a lot of strength to do it and I have nothing but admiration for those that do it day by day.

Another story to tell - I know, you're probably thinking, oh God not another one! I've been sharing this story with a lot of people, because I feel there is so much to learn from it. She's a college buddy of mine, and we were part of a small group of close-knit friends. But she kept a secret from us, so well that we didn't know of it until she finally told us a year after the fact. She'd eloped and married someone she thought was the perfect man for her. If I remember correctly she told us about it because it was eating her up as even her family didn't know about it. After a lot of discussion she finally gained the strength to tell her immediate family. As expected, the news was met with a mix of disbelief and despair. We were still in college and all our parents were fearful that any kind of personal relationship would jeopardise our studies. But thankfully we proved them wrong and graduated with honours.

Upon completion of our studies, we were due to fly home and serve our country as graduate teachers. And so our friend took her husband with her, enrolling him into a local university to gain entry into the country. It wasn't long before he disappeared off the radar. She, her brother and a male cousin spent nearly two years tracking him down, while all the time my father and I were advising her to file for divorce but she flatly refused. She thought that that meant she had given up on him and she wasn't prepared to surrender. Needless to say, they eventually found him but not under happy circumstances and they finally divorced.

Was she a single mother then? No. She didn't have any children then. But a few years later she met and married another man with whom she had two beautiful boys. She was so happy, she felt she'd finally found her soulmate who was a wonderful husband and father. On one of my trips home, I met him for the first time when they came to send me off at the airport. It was such a brief and emotional moment: we hadn't seen each other in more than ten years although we'd kept in touch by phone. When I saw her we ran into each other's arms and just sobbed. We couldn't find the words, only the tears spoke. Her husband could only stand back and watch in amazement.

Life can be so cruel sometimes. That proved to be the first and last time that I met her husband. A couple of years later we had another phone conversation. Again only the tears spoke but not of happiness this time, they were of utter grief and despair. Her husband had died of lung cancer just one week after being diagnosed. Her sons at the time were still so young, the second still too young to even know what was happening. You know the old cliche, my heart goes out to you? Well, it actually felt that way. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I desperately wanted to give it to her if it would help her feel better. But of course she was inconsolable. And I felt completely helpless.

Over time her pain healed and she lived the life of a single working mother. It's been more than five years since he passed on. She obviously still thought of her late husband but probably with less grief. Could life be anymore cruel to her? Of course it could!

You're probably thinking now, what else could possibly happen to her? A double whammy. A few months ago her father died of lung cancer too. And she spent nearly a year juggling her work, kids and visiting her father in hospital every evening. Again she didn't tell us about it, she felt that it wasn't necessary. We only knew just a couple of months before he passed away. I don't think she had time to live her own life, she gave everything she had to her family. My heart aches as I write this and I'm thinking of her. It's been a very long time since we saw each other, and I'm truly hoping and praying that I'll see her when I fly home in the summer. For me, I feel that seeing her would finally bring all the events together and I can put them to rest, because I couldn't be there for her physically during all the difficult times and it just feels like a link is missing. I just hope that it would be the same for her and she'll be able to move forward.

Happy talk

Okay, enough with the doom and gloom. Let's move on to something more cheerful. One of the things I did to ease my anxiety was throw myself into gardening. I'd never been a very good one but I've discovered it's very therapeutic and I've improved somewhat in my gardening skills. I'm now planning to turn the back of the garden into a 'wild' corner, with shrubs and things for garden birds especially. I even signed up as a member of the RSPB, which brings me to the story I wanted to share.

One sunny Sunday we took the children to Hyde Park to feed the wildlife and have a run-around. There's a particular spot where squirrels and small birds are in abundance. We brought peanuts for the squirrels but that day some blue tits were showing great interest in the nuts and seemed quite tame. So I put a couple of peanuts onto the palm of my hand and held it out. To my utter amazement, the tits came to feed on my hand, perching so gently on my fingers. It was incredible! The feeling was indescribable, utterly amazing. I just wish the children were braver and would try it but they were slightly worried about the birds' claws and beaks.

I think a lot of children in this modern age are losing touch with nature, so we try to take ours out as much as possible and expose them to all sorts. They especially love going to farms that allow visitors to feed the animals. We had a blast visiting Farmer Jim's dairy farm up near Sheffield, they have a play/picnic area and do short trips round the farm in a wagon pulled along by a tractor. They also have a corn maze that is designed differently every year so you face a fresh challenge everytime you visit. Hats off to Farmer Jim for his great effort to get children and adults alike involved with animals and farming.

My next objective is to get some baby chicks for the kids to raise. At school they have been hatching chicks two years in a row and have a coop to raise the chickens in, and the children love it! I believe that raising animals teach children responsibility and compassion. As a child I grew up with dozens of chickens and quite a few cats, and it's an experience that I want to pass on to my children. We now have a pet rabbit - three others sadly died due to natural causes - and a few goldfish. I recently bought a beautiful fighter fish that my middle son has declared his own so we named it Kipper. Appropriate, no? Ah well....

Well, here goes...

Some friends thought it would a good idea for me to start a blog. Somewhere where I can let it all out and maybe someone somewhere would read it and we could share thoughts and opinions. Or just vent. Whichever, and not necessarily in that order too. 

But it's not that easy. Just as it wasn't that easy for me to tell my family - that I'm mentally ill. In fact, my parents are still unaware, bless them. Only my siblings know. It's not like you go: Hi, my name is X and I'm mentally ill. You don't go up to your friends and say, guess what, I've been diagnosed as clinically depressed.

I suppose you could try sitting people down and saying you have something important to tell them. But that just makes it sound as if you were dying of a chronic disease, which you're not. So how do you do it?

There's never a right time to tell someone something, is there? Like there's never the right time to tell someone you're madly in love with them, or that you hate them and you're leaving. You just have to pick a moment. So this is the moment I picked to share on this blog:

I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION