It's all about you..

Here we go again. I wrote in a previous blog about how women always sacrifice themselves for others, a great yet potentially self-destructive trait. A recent conversation has again brought the subject matter to light. Why do we do it? Why do we always give  yet never ask for anything in return? Why do we destroy ourselves? And why do we feel guilty when we want something for ourselves?

We had another small row the other day. After days of traipsing around shopping malls with hubby trying to get school uniform together at the very last minute, I changed into some loungewear and crashed onto the sofa for a quick rest. Hubby walked in and said, "Don't tell me you're tired! How can you be tired? You don't even do much nowadays. I help you with your chores and you still feel tired all the time."At which point we started exchanging a few words before I stormed off into the kitchen. 

First of all, let me lay all the blame for the last-minute shopping trips on hubby. If I had done things my way, the uniform would have been sorted out before we left for our long summer break. But no, hubby as always ordained that things can get done later ie. on our return.

Secondly, I know it's hard for other people to understand this, but tiredness seems permanent with someone like me who suffers from depression. It's actually a miracle that I no longer hide in the bedroom whimpering all the time wondering what the hell was wrong with me. It could partly be the medication, but who the hell knows anyway?

It's always go, go, go for us. We could be sitting down for 2 seconds before we suddenly remembered there was something else that needed to be done. I do envy the times when hubby would call out and tell me to entertain the kids because he'd had enough and wanted to watch tv. Would I be able to do the same? Of course not.

And yet I'm still here. Am I a sucker for punishment? I really don't know. We need to be more assertive and be able to say enough is enough when enough is enough. We must not let ourselves be taken advantage of all the time to the point that we have nothing left of ourselves. And we must learn not to feel guilty when we're unable to please everyone all of the time, because it's just impossible to do. Other than that I'm quite comfortable with letting the rest of the stuff go over my head. Because I'm a lot more patient than hubby.

Should I stay or should I go?

Gosh! Another month has just whizzed by! Is it just me or is time really not waiting for any man? (or woman??) A few things have happened in the past month that could probably last me a while. I won't say a lifetime as it would sound a bit too dramatic *smile

Last week I was involved in a minor car accident. I call it minor as I didn't suffer any physical injury from the accident and the car wasn't a total wreck. But it was the cause of the accident that worried me and my GP. I actually blacked out for a split second just as I came out of an intersection and hit a parked lorry. Luckily the steering had turned slightly and only the left front wheel of the car was bent inwards.

My husband's reaction was completely predictable and expected, though I'd hoped that he would be more sympathetic and showed some degree of concern. Instead, I received a groan and moan about the cost of repairs in the current economical climate we were in. He asked me several times about the extent of the damage to the car, but not once did he ask me if I were hurt or feeling alright. I was in fact in a state of shock, but I think the bitter disappointment and hurt I felt overwhelmed me. I couldn't believe how insensitive and selfish he was, and it wasn't the first time.

It led me to think about our relationship during the days that followed. I wondered if I should stay and endure, or pack and leave. I knew he would never change and I couldn't ever change him. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to walk out on our marriage. Do I really want to waste 22 years of my life?

We hardly spoke for over a week. I had no clue what was happening to the family car, except that it had gone for repairs and we had a rented car in place. He didn't inform me and I couldn't be bothered to ask. I spent the days just cleaning and tidying the house, by that I mean really cleaning and tidying. I moved furniture around in the living room and dusted every nook and cranny, and even wiped the walls down with antiseptic. It's one of my little ways of distracting myself whenever I was feeling down.

Yesterday I had reached the music corner of the living room, where the hi-fi system and stacks of CDs sat. I pulled open one CD drawer and saw something that I hadn't listened to for a very long time so I put it into the CD player. When the music started, a moment flashed before my eyes. I saw the two of us slow-dancing like we used to, and my heart swelled when I remembered the love and passion we shared. I smiled, and I suddenly realised that I'd never leave him. Not that I was chained to him. Yes, he had a hold on me but not in a negative sense. It's completely inexplicable but we were drawn to each other in such a way we both knew it had never happened to either of us, and it'll probably never happen again with anyone else. 

I know he'll never change, but I remembered that I'd fallen in love with him despite his flaws. After all we're all only human, and nobody's perfect. We both accepted each other's imperfections and we stood by each other through thick and thin for the longest time in our lives. And he had been there when I went through endless medical treatments and surgeries, never wanting me to worry about anything else at that time. How could I have forgotten that? Circumstances are such that we're going through financial hardship now, but who isn't? And it's putting such a strain on him emotionally that it would be selfish of me to leave him when he needed me most.

So it's settled then. I'm sticking around. Maybe just for a few more years. Or maybe till death do us part..?