Should I stay or should I go?

Gosh! Another month has just whizzed by! Is it just me or is time really not waiting for any man? (or woman??) A few things have happened in the past month that could probably last me a while. I won't say a lifetime as it would sound a bit too dramatic *smile

Last week I was involved in a minor car accident. I call it minor as I didn't suffer any physical injury from the accident and the car wasn't a total wreck. But it was the cause of the accident that worried me and my GP. I actually blacked out for a split second just as I came out of an intersection and hit a parked lorry. Luckily the steering had turned slightly and only the left front wheel of the car was bent inwards.

My husband's reaction was completely predictable and expected, though I'd hoped that he would be more sympathetic and showed some degree of concern. Instead, I received a groan and moan about the cost of repairs in the current economical climate we were in. He asked me several times about the extent of the damage to the car, but not once did he ask me if I were hurt or feeling alright. I was in fact in a state of shock, but I think the bitter disappointment and hurt I felt overwhelmed me. I couldn't believe how insensitive and selfish he was, and it wasn't the first time.

It led me to think about our relationship during the days that followed. I wondered if I should stay and endure, or pack and leave. I knew he would never change and I couldn't ever change him. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to walk out on our marriage. Do I really want to waste 22 years of my life?

We hardly spoke for over a week. I had no clue what was happening to the family car, except that it had gone for repairs and we had a rented car in place. He didn't inform me and I couldn't be bothered to ask. I spent the days just cleaning and tidying the house, by that I mean really cleaning and tidying. I moved furniture around in the living room and dusted every nook and cranny, and even wiped the walls down with antiseptic. It's one of my little ways of distracting myself whenever I was feeling down.

Yesterday I had reached the music corner of the living room, where the hi-fi system and stacks of CDs sat. I pulled open one CD drawer and saw something that I hadn't listened to for a very long time so I put it into the CD player. When the music started, a moment flashed before my eyes. I saw the two of us slow-dancing like we used to, and my heart swelled when I remembered the love and passion we shared. I smiled, and I suddenly realised that I'd never leave him. Not that I was chained to him. Yes, he had a hold on me but not in a negative sense. It's completely inexplicable but we were drawn to each other in such a way we both knew it had never happened to either of us, and it'll probably never happen again with anyone else. 

I know he'll never change, but I remembered that I'd fallen in love with him despite his flaws. After all we're all only human, and nobody's perfect. We both accepted each other's imperfections and we stood by each other through thick and thin for the longest time in our lives. And he had been there when I went through endless medical treatments and surgeries, never wanting me to worry about anything else at that time. How could I have forgotten that? Circumstances are such that we're going through financial hardship now, but who isn't? And it's putting such a strain on him emotionally that it would be selfish of me to leave him when he needed me most.

So it's settled then. I'm sticking around. Maybe just for a few more years. Or maybe till death do us part..?

So what's it like..?

An old friend recently told me, she'd often wondered what my life was like. Such a simple question, but so difficult for me to answer.

We live in completely different worlds, her and I. She is single, lives in her own apartment and drives her own car. She is a respected university lecturer with a PhD and is  not afraid to speak her mind.

Me? I've been married for 18 years, live in a completely chaotic house that I can't call my own with three screaming kids. I've never owned a car even though I can drive. I managed to graduate with a Bachelors degree by the skin of my teeth and am almost always keeping my thoughts to myself.

After a brief think, I answered 'routine'. I think it sums it all up well, that one word. I realised then I could no longer live spontaneously like she still does. She could just pack a bag and catch a flight to somewhere whenever she felt bored or wanted a short break. I used to be able to do the same, but how could I possibly do it now? With three children in tow, two of whom are in school, everything has to be planned. Time away from home is the one I dread the most, because of its uncertainty. Anything could happen, and they usually do. Quite often I'd think I got everything planned out and I'm prepared, but somehow something always manages to crop up that could ruin everything.

Routine. That's all it is. Wake up, get the kids ready for school. Do chores, then get lunch for the little one. Then it's more chores, or errands, before rushing to get tea ready. Kids get home from school, eat and change. Tidy up then off to bed, chance to catch up with family and friends online before falling asleep with one hand still on the mouse. The next day it's the same thing all over again. Groundhog Day? You betcha. Do I get a break? Never. Do I wish I could live someone else's life for just one day? Sometimes. Do I want to trade it all for something different? Honestly? I don't know.

Speak up! I can't hear you!

A shout out to a friend who's just started reading my blog.. welcome! Yes like many others this is where I put pen to paper, so to speak. And I think today I'm going to talk about women.

Women are so different from men, aren't they? Women are more sensitive, more in tune with emotions whether it's their own or other people's. The desire to fulfill others' happiness very often is what drives them and gives them a sense of purpose in life. Which is why most women make great mums, sacrificing themselves for their family. Alas this trait can also be their downfall.

In the eternal quest to make others happy, some women forget about themselves. They allow themselves to be plundered to the point where there is nothing left of them. Their being is void of their soul, just a hollow empty shell like an abandoned warehouse. They start walking the very thin line between reality and insanity. And sometimes they trip and fall over into the other side..

Don't be ashamed to cry out for help. Asking for help doesn't make you weak. You're only human, not Superwoman. You're not meant to carry all the burden of the world on your small shoulders. And especially to those who are experiencing domestic violence:

SPEAK UP!! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

Hello, world..

Wow! Where has the time gone? It's been a month since my last post. How is everyone? Hope all is well. As for me, life has been pretty hectic. Husband is busy with work, long hours seven days a week. So I'm left to do everything on my own. Exhausting. I salute working single mothers, I really don't know how they cope physically and mentally. If I were a single mother working fulltime and suffering from mental illness, I would surely have said goodbye to it all. It really takes a lot of strength to do it and I have nothing but admiration for those that do it day by day.

Another story to tell - I know, you're probably thinking, oh God not another one! I've been sharing this story with a lot of people, because I feel there is so much to learn from it. She's a college buddy of mine, and we were part of a small group of close-knit friends. But she kept a secret from us, so well that we didn't know of it until she finally told us a year after the fact. She'd eloped and married someone she thought was the perfect man for her. If I remember correctly she told us about it because it was eating her up as even her family didn't know about it. After a lot of discussion she finally gained the strength to tell her immediate family. As expected, the news was met with a mix of disbelief and despair. We were still in college and all our parents were fearful that any kind of personal relationship would jeopardise our studies. But thankfully we proved them wrong and graduated with honours.

Upon completion of our studies, we were due to fly home and serve our country as graduate teachers. And so our friend took her husband with her, enrolling him into a local university to gain entry into the country. It wasn't long before he disappeared off the radar. She, her brother and a male cousin spent nearly two years tracking him down, while all the time my father and I were advising her to file for divorce but she flatly refused. She thought that that meant she had given up on him and she wasn't prepared to surrender. Needless to say, they eventually found him but not under happy circumstances and they finally divorced.

Was she a single mother then? No. She didn't have any children then. But a few years later she met and married another man with whom she had two beautiful boys. She was so happy, she felt she'd finally found her soulmate who was a wonderful husband and father. On one of my trips home, I met him for the first time when they came to send me off at the airport. It was such a brief and emotional moment: we hadn't seen each other in more than ten years although we'd kept in touch by phone. When I saw her we ran into each other's arms and just sobbed. We couldn't find the words, only the tears spoke. Her husband could only stand back and watch in amazement.

Life can be so cruel sometimes. That proved to be the first and last time that I met her husband. A couple of years later we had another phone conversation. Again only the tears spoke but not of happiness this time, they were of utter grief and despair. Her husband had died of lung cancer just one week after being diagnosed. Her sons at the time were still so young, the second still too young to even know what was happening. You know the old cliche, my heart goes out to you? Well, it actually felt that way. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I desperately wanted to give it to her if it would help her feel better. But of course she was inconsolable. And I felt completely helpless.

Over time her pain healed and she lived the life of a single working mother. It's been more than five years since he passed on. She obviously still thought of her late husband but probably with less grief. Could life be anymore cruel to her? Of course it could!

You're probably thinking now, what else could possibly happen to her? A double whammy. A few months ago her father died of lung cancer too. And she spent nearly a year juggling her work, kids and visiting her father in hospital every evening. Again she didn't tell us about it, she felt that it wasn't necessary. We only knew just a couple of months before he passed away. I don't think she had time to live her own life, she gave everything she had to her family. My heart aches as I write this and I'm thinking of her. It's been a very long time since we saw each other, and I'm truly hoping and praying that I'll see her when I fly home in the summer. For me, I feel that seeing her would finally bring all the events together and I can put them to rest, because I couldn't be there for her physically during all the difficult times and it just feels like a link is missing. I just hope that it would be the same for her and she'll be able to move forward.

Happy talk

Okay, enough with the doom and gloom. Let's move on to something more cheerful. One of the things I did to ease my anxiety was throw myself into gardening. I'd never been a very good one but I've discovered it's very therapeutic and I've improved somewhat in my gardening skills. I'm now planning to turn the back of the garden into a 'wild' corner, with shrubs and things for garden birds especially. I even signed up as a member of the RSPB, which brings me to the story I wanted to share.

One sunny Sunday we took the children to Hyde Park to feed the wildlife and have a run-around. There's a particular spot where squirrels and small birds are in abundance. We brought peanuts for the squirrels but that day some blue tits were showing great interest in the nuts and seemed quite tame. So I put a couple of peanuts onto the palm of my hand and held it out. To my utter amazement, the tits came to feed on my hand, perching so gently on my fingers. It was incredible! The feeling was indescribable, utterly amazing. I just wish the children were braver and would try it but they were slightly worried about the birds' claws and beaks.

I think a lot of children in this modern age are losing touch with nature, so we try to take ours out as much as possible and expose them to all sorts. They especially love going to farms that allow visitors to feed the animals. We had a blast visiting Farmer Jim's dairy farm up near Sheffield, they have a play/picnic area and do short trips round the farm in a wagon pulled along by a tractor. They also have a corn maze that is designed differently every year so you face a fresh challenge everytime you visit. Hats off to Farmer Jim for his great effort to get children and adults alike involved with animals and farming.

My next objective is to get some baby chicks for the kids to raise. At school they have been hatching chicks two years in a row and have a coop to raise the chickens in, and the children love it! I believe that raising animals teach children responsibility and compassion. As a child I grew up with dozens of chickens and quite a few cats, and it's an experience that I want to pass on to my children. We now have a pet rabbit - three others sadly died due to natural causes - and a few goldfish. I recently bought a beautiful fighter fish that my middle son has declared his own so we named it Kipper. Appropriate, no? Ah well....

Okay, I lied...

When I said I'm smart enough to recognise my own symptoms, I wasn't being completely honest. I did recognise them the second, third and fourth time I got hit, but not the first time around. A lot of people who suffer from depression will agree that it's a silent illness. It just creeps up on you and you're not even aware of it. And it was the same for me.

In hindsight I can see how it progressed. I was still working fulltime then. It started with just feeling low all the time. Then the low mood intensified and I became tearful all the time for no reason. The smallest thing would make my eyes well up, especially if it were something my husband said or did. But more often than not I'd just be sitting down doing nothing and a wave of sadness would wash over me.

I didn't realise it then but I started drinking more than usual. I never used to drink alcohol other than at special dinners or club outings. But this was different. I was drinking during lunch breaks, without even having my lunch. And it wasn't even a glass of wine or a mixer. I would have a couple of shots of brandy, neat. Then I'd sit at my desk and stare blankly at my computer for the rest of the afternoon,  barely getting any work done.

Then it gradually got worse. I started buying brandy to take home after work. Worse still, I was hiding the fact from my husband. I know now that I'd become an alcoholic but at the time it was just something that helped me get through the day. It numbed my emotions; I'd be too tipsy to be tearful. I'd jump at any invitation to go to clubs at the weekend because it gave me an excuse to indulge in alcohol. I was the life of the party, becoming uninhibited after downing half a bottle of brandy in every sitting. 

Not only did I drink like a fish, I smoked like a chimney too. What the hell, I thought, I got nothing to lose. No hope of having children, no hopes of becoming a professional singer, no career, no future. I had nothing to live for. So when my husband thought I was over-reacting to my regular monthly pains, he drove the final nail into my coffin. I felt sure then that I had absolutely nothing to live for. And I couldn't bear the pain I was suffering, month after month, year after year. I knew I had a really high tolerance to pain, but what if he was right? What if I was over-reacting? I was starting to doubt myself.

I'd always seen myself as an intelligent and confident woman. But at that stage, I didn't recognise me. I was fearful, paranoid and my work suffered. Little did I know my supervisor at work had been observing me. So one day he called me into his office and asked me to sit down. He only said, "How are you?" And I burst into tears. There were so many things I wanted to say but I was so muddled I couldn't think straight. It felt like there was a dark cloud constantly looming over my head, and I was in dense fog I couldn't see my way around. He knew straightaway I needed medical attention as his wife suffers from the same illness so he saw what I couldn't see. So on his insistence, I made an appointment to see a doctor. And that's how the ball got rolling.

LS, I'll be forever grateful to you for pushing me in the right direction. If you hadn't been such a good friend to me God knows where I'd be right now.

Love and Marriage

"Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like horse and carriage"

Talking about marriage in my previous post made me think of a couple of my friends. I should count myself lucky in that I have a pretty dull one. The reason I say that is because my dear friends are or have been in a physically abusive one. And I believe women who are being abused by their partner or husband have the same problem of speaking out, albeit possibly for different reasons. Shame, guilt, the false belief that one day the man would change for the better...

One friend has put up with her abusive husband for so many years, she's still with him. But why? One time he hit her so badly, she was rendered unconscious and woke up in hospital. And she was hit when she was holding her baby. When I asked her who took her to hospital, she said that her husband did. And to show his remorse, he had smashed all the fingers on his right hand with a granite pestle. She admitted she didn't leave him for fear of shame, shame that she'd fallen into yet another abusive relationship. She had previously been married to another man that abused her so she didn't want society to view her negatively. I told her it didn't matter what people's personal opinions were, what mattered most is her and her children's safety and happiness. To this she quickly replied that her husband is now a changed man, that he hasn't laid a hand on her although he's still working on his anger management. Shame, guilt and false belief all rolled into one.

I only pray that she has made the right decision to stand by her man. And I sincerely hope that he truly has changed and become a better man. I can't tell her what to do, I can only listen and offer advice when asked. It's entirely up to her to make her own choices. It's the only liberty she has. But I told her, whatever she decided, her family and close friends including myself, would be right beside her. Love you, MM.