When I said I'm smart enough to recognise my own symptoms, I wasn't being completely honest. I did recognise them the second, third and fourth time I got hit, but not the first time around. A lot of people who suffer from depression will agree that it's a silent illness. It just creeps up on you and you're not even aware of it. And it was the same for me.
In hindsight I can see how it progressed. I was still working fulltime then. It started with just feeling low all the time. Then the low mood intensified and I became tearful all the time for no reason. The smallest thing would make my eyes well up, especially if it were something my husband said or did. But more often than not I'd just be sitting down doing nothing and a wave of sadness would wash over me.
I didn't realise it then but I started drinking more than usual. I never used to drink alcohol other than at special dinners or club outings. But this was different. I was drinking during lunch breaks, without even having my lunch. And it wasn't even a glass of wine or a mixer. I would have a couple of shots of brandy, neat. Then I'd sit at my desk and stare blankly at my computer for the rest of the afternoon, barely getting any work done.
Then it gradually got worse. I started buying brandy to take home after work. Worse still, I was hiding the fact from my husband. I know now that I'd become an alcoholic but at the time it was just something that helped me get through the day. It numbed my emotions; I'd be too tipsy to be tearful. I'd jump at any invitation to go to clubs at the weekend because it gave me an excuse to indulge in alcohol. I was the life of the party, becoming uninhibited after downing half a bottle of brandy in every sitting.
Not only did I drink like a fish, I smoked like a chimney too. What the hell, I thought, I got nothing to lose. No hope of having children, no hopes of becoming a professional singer, no career, no future. I had nothing to live for. So when my husband thought I was over-reacting to my regular monthly pains, he drove the final nail into my coffin. I felt sure then that I had absolutely nothing to live for. And I couldn't bear the pain I was suffering, month after month, year after year. I knew I had a really high tolerance to pain, but what if he was right? What if I was over-reacting? I was starting to doubt myself.
I'd always seen myself as an intelligent and confident woman. But at that stage, I didn't recognise me. I was fearful, paranoid and my work suffered. Little did I know my supervisor at work had been observing me. So one day he called me into his office and asked me to sit down. He only said, "How are you?" And I burst into tears. There were so many things I wanted to say but I was so muddled I couldn't think straight. It felt like there was a dark cloud constantly looming over my head, and I was in dense fog I couldn't see my way around. He knew straightaway I needed medical attention as his wife suffers from the same illness so he saw what I couldn't see. So on his insistence, I made an appointment to see a doctor. And that's how the ball got rolling.
LS, I'll be forever grateful to you for pushing me in the right direction. If you hadn't been such a good friend to me God knows where I'd be right now.
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